the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Someone came in the potted fern
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
