why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
