I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
