WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
