it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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