so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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