Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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