and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
ok first of all what the fuck
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
