By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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