It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
