from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
These tits shall not be calmed
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