So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
