Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
