my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Every concussion has its silver lining
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
