i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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