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So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
