there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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