So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
