Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
