I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
