um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
