We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
