The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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