I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
