I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
