Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
