put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
