now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
