I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
