Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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