I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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