Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
