i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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