i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
