you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
