I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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