I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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