my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
