Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
