You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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