I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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