my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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