Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
