I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize