Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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