Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
