i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sorry my hands just texted you
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I need water and some morals
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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