OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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