and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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