Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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