You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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