If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
