Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
