Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
