life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
