He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
