I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
