You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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