You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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