just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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