they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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