i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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