I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
